Results of my latest petscan were not good.
Yesterday, I raced a 5k at 8:30am in DeBary, and then another 5k race at 7:30pm at Baldwin Park in Orlando.
I normally do not do 2 races a day, but things are a little different in my mind nowadays.
I raced 2 races yesterday because, right now I do not know if this latest petscan means what it looks like. These 2 races will be the last races before I will actually know. These 2 races could be my last 2 races before a very huge battle takes place. I simply wanted to do these races and bask in the knowledge that I do not know if I'm in serious trouble or not. I wanted 2 more carefree races that I could enjoy, doing something I so truly love to do. Thank God, I could experience it!! 🙂
When I first got through my last terrible battle, I raced a 5k in NSB. I finished in 31:32 and I won my age group out of many hundreds of runners. I was so confused how I can win my age group out of so many runners with such a time. At that time, I believed the Universe was trying to tell me something....... yesterday I won my age group out of 674 runners with a 24:38 time. I later discovered that I was the only 60 to 64 year old male in this race with 674 runners! The odds of this with this many runners is unheard of! Could it be the Universe is trying to tell me something again? I think so.
Sometimes the Universe talks but we do not hear it because of all the other noise. I hear it!! 🙂
Almost to the day a year ago, I was struggling to understand why this bad funk had grabbed me. Today I feel like I'm reliving that same nightmare.
I cannot focus at all on anything. All I do is think of bad dark thoughts. All I think is another vacation that I've waited for, now for 2 years.... possibly cannot happen again.... because of what I know is required when fighting the devil.
I remember so clearly what it takes. Every single ounce of energy, of body strength, of mental strength and the strength of all the Faith you have in your soul.
It will be a tough 4 days now. Just about every minute of every hour is filled with worry and gloom. I know worrying does not help at all, but the mind is too strong to just tell "shut up and be quiet". Believe me, I wish I could.
If I could tell anyone anything, I would tell them to live your life to the fullest. Enjoy what you do, take care of yourself for your children, your wife or husband. I would not wish this mental battle upon my worst enemy.
For those of you that have no spark for life, feel like life is too hard, you feel like you are in misery all the time....I would say to you......
.......there are many people in shoes, just like the shoes I am in now, that would give everything they have to have another chance to live. They are people out there that know the end is near and would happily trade their poisoned and terminal body for your healthy unhappy one. I guarantee they would turn your unhappy world into a blessed and very happy world in about one week....if they had the chance.
We as human beings have lost focus on the meaning of life here on earth. Perhaps it is just a simple rule that we can only really understand.... when we think our end is near. Perhaps.
I am still hoping and praying that my lastest depressing petscan is somehow wrong and I can use my third life of my nine lives..... that a beautiful kitter must of gave me at sometime. I knew there was a reason cats and dogs liked me. 🥰
Work will be tough this week, but I will manage. I always do. But Thursday I need prayers, as I see my doctor at 8:30am.
I hope Thursday about 10am I could jump for joy, but I am not niave either. All I have is tons of faith, beautiful and special friends and a mind and body that will be fierce in fight.
God will determine my future. I will face what he puts in front of me. If he chooses for me to go into the night......he knows I will not quietly go into the night! He knows me.
I am very saddened, very bummed, yet I am hopeful. I will keep pushing forward because that's what I only know how to do. I never learned how to quit or give up. I'm not gonna start now.
Peace to all of you that reads my too long posts and to all my friends. You are the ones that fill me with the power to always keep fighting!
I love all of you!
Peace, Jonny Rock Simpkins
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